Full DISHclosure

In the spirit of holy week, I’ll confess one little sin: coconut cake obsession. The cake I remember from my youth wasn’t vegan or gluten free, and there were no freaky shortcuts like mix from a box or icing made of I-don’t-want-to-know-what. Nor is there an existing recipe, so I pieced together my own, made a colossal shopping trip for ridiculously decadent ingredients, and got up early, eager to create a few slices of heaven. Nearly eight hours later, I was still in the kitchen, only slightly delirious, but no less determined, when my creation, the would-be masterpiece, began to shift, split and slide toward it’s own demise. Betrayal! In seconds I found myself shouting across the neighborhood for reinforcements while racing  in a Frankenstein-like frenzy to secure the monster (“Live, live!“) by stabbing it repeatedly with wooden (kebob) stakes. Stop the madness!
Now I’m starting to get the uber-weirdness of reality shows like “Last Cake Standing.” No wonder people buy that freaky grocery story frosting. And no wonder special occasion cakes cost a fortune. They should cost more.

In the end, my husband’s patience saved the day — and the cake — and I don’t think marital counseling will  result. I learned that resurrecting the perfect pastry requires not only the patience of a saint, but possibly the precision of a plastic surgeon. And I realized a few other things too. For instance, fresh coconut layer cake with rum and lemon buttercream frosting does look and taste just like sweet heaven; but it feels and acts just like fresh concrete. Not to mention the hellish sugar crash and resulting funk. I will be crawling back on the plant-based, gluten free wagon and kissing the wheels.

Meanwhile I’m left to ponder which is higher in animal protein and cholesterol: a filet mignon, or my glorious made-from-scratch cake? My money’s on the cake. Also, I can’t be sure, but it might be less stressful to butcher that steak than to master the fickle chemistry of baking.

Resurrection Cake recipe is available by request, but remember, you asked for it!